I'm finding it harder and harder to keep going. Last night I seriously considered suicide. The only things stopping me are 1) My pet parrot - he deserves the best life I can give him and I wouldn't trust anyone else to do better for him. 2) My parents, I wouldn't want to hurt them like that, but if not for #1, I still might've.

Oblivion is desirable. Life sucks. And what makes it all the worse is I KNOW I have it easy compared to others. I was born with a silver spoon; upper middle family, only child, no financial worries.

I've always felt like I'm missing something essential to being human; I'm socially inept and it goes beyond that but is also hard to explain. Just mentally dealing with people is... hard.

2 years ago I killed my previous 2 parrots, not on purpose but my actions caused their deaths. The guilt is terrible. I've done the therapy shit. I've been medicated, none of it really helps. Their loss hyper-sensitized me to further loss. My parents are not healthy people and they've lived longer than you'd reasonably expect and I dread having to deal with their deaths.

Marijuana is legal in my state, it feels so good to feel good even for a short time, but higher highs mean lower lows - I feel a bit worse when off it and wish I could just be high 24/7 but there is tolerance and effect plateauing to deal with.

I don't know what I expect from this, just shouting into the void I guess