Good Morning, Gents!

I've done something with this piece that I've never done before. The hummingbird is finished, so I have kept the image just in case the background flops for some reason. That way I can still sell the image. I've never "cut my losses" like this before. But it's "worked," since I've already sold the image, but not the drawing (the drawing is incomplete).

For those of you who might like to know, this took just over 16 hours to make.

TLDR: I stopped dating, because I got tired of playing games. (For those out there who are still pining for a girlfriend or find themselves thinking a lot about relationships, this is just my take).

I think you have to start with rejection, because it's a fact of life, & not just with dating, but in the work environment, business, academia, etc. Rejection in dating is a uniqiue type, because you feel it deeper than any other kind, but nonetheless, it's a fact of life. And I don't mean being put on blast or falsely accused or anything like that, just simple rejection. I sent an email out to a couple of places seeing if they would be interested in selling some of my things. There was no immediate response, so it's likely now that I'll just get ignored, but some owners have been kind enough to tell me, "no thanks." And it's still possible I get accepted.

Excessive rejection (getting rejected everywhere all the time) does a couple of things to you. First, it makes you examine yourself & your value. And that's probably a good thing. If you're a dick, then excessive rejection should reveal that & offer you the choice of changing it or not. Second, it makes you question whether the endeavor (whatever you're pursuing) is worth the time, energy, resources, & heart you're investing in. Is it worth it? Is patience or some other virtue required? Is it so hoplessly rigged that it's not worth throwing effort after foolishness? Is there something else out there that worth investing in that will give you a return? Then allow you to choose the best use of your time, heart, resources, etc. I can say that most businesses have rejected my offer, but enough haven't that I still do this. If every business was like, "no thanks," I would assume this a lost cause, fool's errand, & probably find another hobby or passion to pursue, because hearing no all the time gets old.

And here is where things get complicated regarding relationships, because we're biologically inclined toward this (most of us anyway), socially conditioned (parents want grandkids, etc), & perhaps even religiously (God commands us to be fruitful; however, I don't really buy this). It's definitely pushed on us from many different angles.

And then there's what lies beyond rejection, which isn't always good. In fact, sometimes rejection can be better, though it doesn't feel that way at the time, because you just want a chance to prove yourself, have the experience, reap some benefits, & just try. Here is what life has taught me lies beyond rejection.

The first girl I had strong feelings for decided to hop around between me & 3 or 4 other guys. Obviously, there was no love on her end, she was just using me (us) for validation, attention, & entertainment. 🤡

The second was right out of high school. I actually put a lot into the next girl (wanted to knock it out of the park). Our first date was probably the best either of us had ever been on before. We dated throughout the summer, culminating in an ICQ message (LOL) she sent telling me she really liked me (SCORE!), could see herself falling hard for me (kinda what we're shooting for, right?), which was why she couldn't see me any more (because 2 + 2 apparently equals 7). (And she didn't end it, because she was going off to college; she didn't go to college.) 🤡

But it was at this point that I began to realize that things were just off. The math didn't seem to add up or at the very least my definition was different. Sign up for a reward. Sure! However, a gut punch isn't what I would call a reward.

Also, this "failure" could affect the amount of effort you put into future relationships or cause you to change who you are. If you're a dick, then be a better person, get the girl/friends/respect/reputation, whatever. That's a worthy endeavor with benefits (your investment pays you dividends). Being a "good" or nice person & deciding that's a bad thing, so you need to become a dick isn't a worthy endeavor especially if you're happy being a "good" person. What's the difference? It's all about being the best version of yourself. Going from a dick to a better person is an improvement. You're not improving yourself by becoming a dick. Don't let others dictate who you are or who you want to be. I like being a good person, but I need to become a dick in order to fit in is not improving yourself, it's a sign that you're in the wrong crowd of people.

I didn't have strong feelings for the next girl, but it is a funny story. I sat across from her in a college class. She seemed pretty cool, so I asked her out. She said yes (SWEET). When I picked her up for our date, her fiance answered the door in his boxers. 🤡

These are funny stories, but if you're waiting for evidence that women are sugar & spice & everything nice, you (like me) are going to have to keep waiting for the proof.

The next girl I had strong feelings for, I vetted for a long time. We worked together for 2 or 3 years & I really got to know her before I made my move. She was a virgin, Christian, one of those "good girls." I was her first boyfriend. In the end, she monkey branched from me. 🤡

I can't stress this strongly enough. DO NOT EVER date someone you work with. Talk about hell. Not only did I get front row seats to her dating someone else, but get engaged, & married in less time than we had known each other. Wow, it's just so easy for everyone else, huh?

Something else that I learned was that even the "good girls" do this sorta thing. And this wasn't a fluke, as I would find out probably 10-15 years later (so unaffected by time) & probably 300 miles away (so unaffected by distance). Put another way: different place, different time, different environment, same behavior).

The last girl I had strong feelings for started off great. She had a body count of 1, maybe 2. But as time wore on, I realized the person she was showing me was just what she wanted me to see & it was slowly being replaced by her true self. She was a chameleon, manipulative, needy, never happy, always testing, controlling, my gosh she wore me out & not in a good way. I really loved the persona, but didn't really like her. So, I ended it. 🤡

And at 30, I found myself sitting there with my head between my legs, but more on that later.

In between each was a period of dearth lasting several months to several years full of rejection 🤡, even more shallow situationships (wanting her, but she didn't want me 🤡; one night stands 🤡, being set up with land whales [aka pity dates] 🤡, being friend zoned 🤡), & where I spent a lot of time asking (existential) questions.

Questions such as (though this is not an exhaustive list):

Why isn't this working (the formula I've been given, the instructions I've followed to the letter)?
What am I doing wrong (because obviously the fault has to be on my end)?
What's wrong with me (why does no one want me)?
Are there really plenty of fish in the sea (spoiler, there isn't)?
Why is it wrong for me to want or expect sex from a woman (or for men to use women for sex), but it's okay for a woman to want or expect an all night conversation or make out session or cuddling from me (or for women to use men for emotional needs, relationships, validation, entertainment, security, resources, babies, attention, etc)?
What makes sex so much more different & wrong than emotional needs (et al)?
Why can't we exchange emotional needs (et al) for sex, because that too would be wrong?
Why does there have to be a winner & a loser; why can't we both just win; why can't we meet each other's needs?
Why am I not supposed to want a woman of questionable character (someone who lies, cheats, monkey branches, etc), but it's okay for the next guy to not only want her, but marry her?
Does character really matter (all these women did some pretty bad things, as did I, yet they're married & I'm not)?
Is character worth.....I can be single with lots of character or have a wife, have less than lots of character (or maybe none at all); which is the better deal?
I guess the most glaring question here is whether character is worth having, because as you can see, character doesn't equate to marriage (sorry those of you who are married, but as I saw it, the more character I had or aspired to, the more likely I was going to be alone; it absolutely wasn't getting me anywhere close to a wife)?
How long do I have to wait?
How long until I can give up & stop this absurdity 🤡?
Is there anyone even out there?
Is it worth completely changing yourself on the off chance of getting a girl?
Will she be with me for me or for whatever persona I project or for my utility or status or possessions?
(Essentially more instructions to follow, because the first set worked so very well.)
How can I be sure that these instructions will work any better than the last ones?
Is this the best society has to offer (except, remember, the problem must be on your end, certainly not the quality of women or society or upbringing or whatever, but you still ask, because it's so obvious that it's beyond the brainwashing)?

Also, it's important to keep in mind that no one had any answers to these questions or guarantees or anything. The answers I received were that everything was on my end.

So, I ended up at 30, with 2 choices, which are the same 2 choices I have at 47. I could pick myself back up, dust myself off, get back in the saddle, get back out there, & try again. So, more rejection, more clowning (have you been keeping track of all the clowning around I've been given; how much of a joke all of this has been), & more games. You remember my head was between my legs? That's because I was hyperventilating.

Or I could take what I had left & build a life of my own as best as I could. One that would give me a return for my investment. It would be without a wife & family, but it would have to be better than what I'd been going through. It would be lonely, isolating, boring, & empty at times, but NEWS FLASH: Life in general no matter what is at times boring, lonely, isolating, & empty. It still has to be better than 🤡 that.

I'm open to the possibility of meeting someone, dating, settling down, marrying, even starting a family, but I'm done investing until I get a return on what I've already put in. I'm done throwing effort after foolishness. No more games. I want something real. If society can offer me something real, then I'll consider it, but I think society is going to have to come up with someone special for me to do that, & I don't think society is capable of producing somoene special. I'm happy to be wrong, but in order for me to be wrong, I have to actually be wrong (meaning society has to actually produce someone special & introduce her to me). So far, all of this has been a joke. And I'm tired of playing games.